Some days I wonder, “what am I even doing as a parent?”

So I took Jonah to the beach today. It was freezing, but he needed to get out of the house.

I soon discovered he had snuck three toy dinosaurs with him.

Yeesh…

It’s not that I don’t allow him to bring toys places.

I haven’t set a strict “no toys allowed when we go out” policy, because often times, I am grateful that he has something to keep him occupied in a pinch.

But these action figures are tiny. And Jonah is not great at keeping track of them.

One time, he snuck SIX of them into his pockets when we went to a busy playground.

He lined all of them up on the ground next to the zip line (where all the kids line up) and promptly walked away. He didn’t want anyone to touch them, but he was also not willing to move them or put them in his pockets.

These little toddlers kept trying to pick them up and other mothers were telling their kids they had to play elsewhere and not go down the zip line because Jonah’s toys were too much of an enticement that they were not allowed to play with. The kids started crying. They wanted to take the toys AND go down the zip line. Win-win for them right?

I was getting “come on, man,” looks from the parents. (Pick up the toys so my kids don’t take them)

I felt bad.

I told Jonah he had to move them or pick them up if he wasn’t going to play with them.

It did not go over well. Jonah was instantly escalated. He ran over, picked all of them up, threw all of them as far as he could, and then screamed at me that “Daddy, I want SPACE!”

(I mean, I guess he did what I asked him…?)

But all these toys were little dinosaurs and they were green—The same color as the grass Jonah threw them in.

And I knew that even though he just threw them as far as he could as if he didn’t want them, if we did not have all six of those dinosaurs when it was time to leave, it would go poorly for EVERYONE at the park.

And so I spent the next hour finding EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

We didn’t leave until it got dark.

I vowed never to do that AGAIN.

…

So fast forward to today.

Jonah only had three dinosaurs this time.

Still not SIX like last time, but certainly enough to quickly lose on a beach.

Last time at this beach, Jonah completely buried two dinosaurs in wet sand and walked away…

…and of course, he couldn’t find where he buried them and I spent most the time at the beach looking for these little toys or watching Jonah like a hawk for hours checking when/where he left his toys.

I couldn’t believe I had let him bring them again.

He was holding a bucket, a garden shovel, and his three toy dinosaurs….

I told Jonah to keep the dinosaurs in his pocket so he didn’t lose them.

He screamed at me, “All done ‘lose them!’ Daddy stop-it talking!!” (Daddy, shut up. Stop saying I’m gonna lose them.)

And then Jonah proceeded to drop everything, toys and all (except the shovel), into a stream that flowed directly into the ocean not 20 yards away.

If those toys made it to the ocean, we would not get them back and the world would end (for today).

So, acting on instinct I picked up one of his dinosaurs that had gotten stuck on a stick (all the items had been separated by the flowing water). Jonah was a few yards away chasing his other toys.

But I held onto “Arlo.” He went into my pocket.

It was a couple minutes before Jojo finally asked about “Arlo?”

And then I pretended not to know where Arlo went.

“Where’s Arlo?”

Jojo looked some more.

“Arlo?”
“Arlo!”
“Arlo is hiding!”
“ARLO COME BACK!”

Good Lord. It was heartbreaking. This kid can pull on every last heart string when he wants.

But there was a very good chance if he continued playing with his toys like this at the beach, he would lose one or ALL of them for good, and then he would have a monumental meltdown about it.

I certainly couldn’t keep track of all of them for him. Especially when this is something Jonah is perfectly capable of doing himself.

About ten minutes had passed. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for or how long I was going to keep up the charade. I guess I was just frustrated that Jonah had brought these toys again.

Frustrated that I had let it happen. Again.

I think I was just making sure Jonah knew that if he was careless, it was entirely possible for him to lose his toys and not ever get them back.

Finally, after searching all over the beach, Jonah reached the conclusion that Arlo had indeed gone into the ocean. And instead of accepting that fact, or having a meltdown about it, Jonah made a decision.

“I’m going in the water. [To] Go get Arlo.”

And he meant it.

He was about ankle deep before I even realized it. I had made this grand plan of casually “dropping” Arlo into a location on the beach Jonah would easily see and discover he had “found” him, but I had to revise that plan…quickly.

“Jojo! JOJO!! LOOK!”

I hoped the panic in my voice came across as excitement. This could really go south…really fast, if I didn’t act quickly. It was literally just above freezing on the beach. If his clothes got wet, he would be hypothermic within minutes.

“I found him! Here he is!”

I made a show of picking Arlo up while Jojo ran to me, safe from the waves.

Jojo quickly came and snatched him up and had a big grin like all was right in the world again.

I felt like an awful parent.

I had manipulated my child, lied to him by omission possibly endangering him, and then made myself out to be some kind of “hero” for “saving the day” and “finding” his toy.

🤦‍♂️

Nice.

But you know what?

After that, Jonah put his dinosaurs in his zip-up pocket and left them there. He went on playing in the sand, digging holes and directing the water.

He was perfectly happy and content the rest of the time.

He didn’t take his dinosaurs back out of his pocket until we were walking back to the car, and he didn’t have a meltdown or lose a single one.

*sigh…

I hope we don’t have to do that again.

I hope he leaves his toys at home next time or keeps a careful eye on them if he brings any.

I hope I never have to spend another minute at the park or beach looking for these a little dinosaurs again.

I really hope he never loses another toy.

I hope the lesson he learned today is worth the guilt I feel for teaching it to him.

Am I an awful parent?

#ausome

Original Facebook Post.