I wrote this a while back during the pandemic while chasing Jonah up and down an empty beach because it was the only place we could go… in the freezing cold and the pouring rain.
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[March 19, 2021]
I’ve been trying to single out the root of all the “anxiety” I have been feeling lately.
And I think I figured it out.
Have you ever gone for a long drive (3+ hours), finally gotten to your destination, and just felt exhausted?
Like, you didn’t actually physically exert yourself, other than to work the pedals and steer your vehicle, but you are just utterly drained?
Why is that?
Because you have had to continuously pay attention to everything around you to make sure you arrive safely at your destination.
When you are driving, you have to be vigilant.
You have to make sure you don’t collide with other vehicles.
You have to check street signs to make sure you don’t turn into a “wrong way” street.
You have to know which lane to be in so you don’t miss your exit.
You have to know if there are vehicles in your blind spots in case you need to suddenly change lanes.
You have to predict what OTHER drivers are going to do so you can react accordingly.
If you are driving on the freeway and a car is merging from an on-ramp two lanes over, you have to make sure there is room in your lane for people to get over in order to make room for the car merging into their lane.
There are a million things you need to do as a “safe” driver.
You have to be “vigilant.”
And by the end of a long trip, it can be exhausting. Especially if you have to make that trip often.
That’s SORT OF how I feel.
But consider this.
Imagine driving with ALL of that to worry about.
But imagine making that trip when your CHILD controls the accelerator.
The brakes don’t always work so you can’t count on them. All you can do is steer the vehicle and pray you will be able to stop in time if needed.
Imagine merging on to the crowded freeway with cars going full speed. You have coached your child about the speed they need to go but there is really no way to be sure they will follow your instructions.
You start by calmly requesting they speed up or slow down. But sometimes the OTHER cars behave unexpectedly and you might find yourself YELLING at them to speed up or slow down because you can see the imminent danger, even if they can’t.
Sometimes, this is effective and they will do as requested, but most times, it causes them to “put the pedal to the metal” and accelerate uncontrollably regardless of who or what is around them.
And THAT is NEVER ideal.
So your whole body is tense. You are ready to react at any moment. You have your foot on the break, ready to push that pedal and you are tightly gripping the steering wheel maneuvering the vehicle and narrowly avoiding collisions every second.
You are doing your best to remain calm.
Because if your child ends up in an uncontrolled acceleration, you better find an empty field, a long deserted road, or an empty parking lot to mitigate the damages and keep innocent bystanders from being hurt.
You have to be HYPER-vigilant.
So before you even leave the house, you try to map out all the closest “exits,” and all the empty fields and parking lots and you pick a route with the least amount of probable traffic to reduce the chance of catastrophe should things not go as planned.
And sometimes things don’t go as planned… and you end up on a busy interstate with lots of people.
And you have trouble just navigating the lane you are in.
And everyone is quick to point out the “bad driver,” who cut them off…
…who doesn’t know how to merge properly.
…who has chosen the fast lane to drive slowly.
…who fails to use a turn signal… (or who may have been driving with their turn signal on for several miles).
Some people say those drivers should stay home. That they shouldn’t be on the roads. That they are a danger to those around them.
And sometimes, you wonder if they are right. And you wonder if it might be better staying home all the time.
But you don’t want to just NOT ever venture out.
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It’s MORE like that.
Only, even when the child is at home, as soon as they wake up, you are driving.
You are keeping them from eloping. You are projecting their most likely route in case of elopement.
You are actively looking for triggers for meltdowns and redirecting (steering) like your life depends on it.
You are pushing the brakes hoping to STOP an unwanted behavior, but also knowing that stopping it could just as easily trigger a meltdown.
When in public, you are constantly keeping away from other people.
And when they are around other people, you are watching them like a hawk, ready to intervene… meltdown, or no, to keep them from harming someone else.
Everywhere you go, you are assessing all possible scenarios… finding the closest exits, possible dangers, and breakable items.
You are keeping routines, while trying to get them to try new things.
…all while simultaneously keeping your child engaged and learning and happy.
You are being hyper-vigilant EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to navigate all this, but you don’t know where you will eventually end up.
You won’t ever know until you get there.
While others are out there just trying to get from “Point A” to “Point B,” you are going from “Point A” to “Point ANYWHERE safely.”
Basically, you are just trying to survive the drive.
See, it’s not always about the destination.
Because sometimes, a successful journey IS the destination.
Sometimes, I’m not trying to get Jonah to a specific place.
I am just trying to teach him to drive.
#ausome
