Progress with meltdowns.
I don’t post a lot about Jonah’s meltdowns because well…
Frankly, I don’t think he would want me to.
But they happen. It Just comes with the territory.
What I wanted to share is the progress we have made with them.
So, first of all, what causes these meltdowns?
Usually Jonah’s meltdowns are caused by some combination of sensory issues and anxiety.
We try to avoid meltdowns at all costs, but if Jonah’s anxiety is already running high, then the smallest thing will set him off.
It could be a car following us. The tide coming in. A train stopping on the railroad tracks.
It could be literally ANYTHING.
And lately, it HAS been.
We have probably had more meltdowns in the last year than any other time EVER.
And they aren’t just “oh he’s crying and rolling around on the floor and kicking his legs and screaming.”
They are usually aggressive or even violent.
Hitting. Kicking. Biting. Breaking things. Hurling rocks. Things of that sort.
I have learned that trying to stop or suppress the aggressive behavior without addressing the underlying cause of it will make the behaviors WORSE.
Because at its core, a sensory meltdown is communicative.
“Words” are simply a construct to Jojo which in his view, don’t hold the intrinsic emotion he wants to convey.
Saying “I’m beyond angry!” or “I’m devastated!” Or “I’m so frustrated!”
is like saying “I’m so kerflaffled!” or “I’m just so “sippicaffed!”
It’s nonsensical to Jonah in the moment and does not represent what he is feeling at all.
A sensory meltdown is an expression of frustration and communication.
And I have to be receptive to his “language.” Even when it hurts.
I typically just try to keep the aggression directed at me (as opposed to directed at someone else or at HIMSELF), and then I have to just wait it out until the “storm passes.”
It could take anywhere from 10 minutes to three hours.
In the past, I have described Jojo’s meltdowns like he is simply “NOT THERE,” while it is happening.
Like a “switch” flips and his “joy” is replaced with “anger.” (Kind of like the Emotions driving Riley in the movie “Inside Out.”)
This has been true for a long time.
And it has been exhausting.
By far the HARDEST part of parenthood for me has been handling Jonah’s meltdowns.
I will do ANYTHING to prevent a meltdown.
I will run the water from the garden hose for 12 hours a day just so Jojo can watch it go down the storm drain.
I will drive hours around the city every day looking for geese… and then hang out with them all day until the sun sets.
I will sit at the beach sometimes in the pouring rain, freezing cold for (how long has it been?) 35 days in a row.
If I was driving with Jojo and a police officer tried to pull us over? …If I knew it would result in a Jonah meltdown, I would have to think real long and hard about if I actually would pull over just then.
(I’m actually really pondering this right now… I’d probably be like, “hey, I’m not trying to run or get away or anything, but can you follow us home and write up your citation when Jonah is in the house?”)
😳
Seriously.
I will literally DO ANYTHING to prevent a Jonah meltdown.
So it is no small thing when I tell you that we have had a breakthrough.
And it is HUGE.
Let me tell you about it.
A couple weeks ago, Jonah lost a piece to his brand new Lego set. He had just opened it. 😳😬
His “lego guy” was not “right.”
It was incomplete.
This is usually a recipe for an instant meltdown.
I would guess we had five minutes TOPS to find it, before Jonah ran out of patience.
So we looked everywhere.
Jonah was doing really well at first. He was really trying. He was verbalizing his feelings…
“I want Lego guy!”
“I want ALL DONE ‘it’s lost!”
“I want “THERE IT IS!”
He was REALLY wanting us to know he REALLY wanted to find this piece for “Lego-guy.”
But more and more time passed and we couldn’t find it.
Jonah was doing his best to keep it together, but I could see the signs that he was going to lose it.
His lip started to quiver and he started yelling for “Lego guy.”
In the past, this has usually led to an “escalation.” He would start screaming and throwing Legos around the house.
If that wasn’t enough to convey his frustration, he would bite, hit and throw virtually ANYTHING within arms reach.
And I was usually his target.
If I tried to redirect him at that point, he would immediately try to physically destroy any and every thing about that redirection, screaming the entire time.
But all of that never happened.
I’ll never for get what DID.
A single solitary tear formed in Jonah’s eye and he said, “‘all done’ crying.”
(I don’t want to be crying about this).
“All done crying!” He was getting animated.
But the tears wouldn’t stop. They started streaming down his face.
So he yelled, “‘ALL DONE’ CRYING!”
He was yelling at HIMSELF.
He started hitting the tears on his cheeks as they fell, slapping himself in the face.
It broke my heart.
So I grabbed him in a big bear hug and he buried his face in my shoulder. He let me just hold him as he collected himself…Taking deep breaths…Regulating his breathing.
“All done crying…”
We stayed like that for an eternity, and at the same time not long enough…
Until finally, Jonah said “‘All done’ Lego guy.”
(I don’t want to be upset about this. Please take it away).
He no-longer wanted the piece we couldn’t find.
He didn’t want it to control his emotions. And he had the self-awareness to realize it.
Now my own eyes were filling with tears.
We have been working on this for so long you guys.
SO LONG.
Being self-aware of your emotions is a HUGE breakthrough. Especially when you are escalated.
And then Jonah said something I never want to forget.
“All done ‘Daddy is sad.’”
“I want ‘Daddy is happy.’”
🥺😭
And I held him, smiling, tears in my eyes.
“I know it seems like Daddy is sad, buddy. But Daddy is happy.”
“Daddy is SO happy. And Daddy is SO proud of you.”
———
We still have meltdowns. They are inevitable.
But now they are different.
Jonah is aware of them and they are not nearly as long.
Jonah will now interrupt his own meltdown with “‘all done’ crying”
(speaking to himself)…
And then “‘all done’ [whatever it was he so vehemently wanted]”…
(speaking to me to take away [the thing] so it won’t control his emotions.)
Seriously. You guys.
Last week we went to the beach like we have been doing all month at his request, but we couldn’t find a parking spot in “the usual lot” (warmer weather means more people).
Jonah started to have a meltdown in the car about parking elsewhere, so I pulled over on the side of the road. The meltdown lasted about 5 minutes before he said “all done crying.” And then requested to go home.
We did. And he was happy with that decision.
He didn’t even request to go back to the beach for another three days.
Yesterday, he finally went back. It was a beautiful day.
The parking situation was the same as before. All full.
So we had to park in a different location, which is what caused the last meltdown.
But this time, Jonah was fine with it. Even Happy with it. He had a great time.
Jonah will always deal with these emotions that cause meltdowns.
But being aware of them is the first step to having mastery over them.
And frankly, as a parent, teaching Jonah to communicate these emotions effectively without needing to use aggression is all I ever wanted.
😢😍