“What do you do when he hits you?”
Jonah’s para asked me this today after I dropped him off at school.
We were late again.
And it just so happened that the very question she had asked was at the forefront of my mind.
Jonah had not wanted to put any clothes on this morning.
And when I approached him about getting dressed, he hit me. If he could have reached high enough, he probably would have slapped me in the face.
How did I respond?
I said “ouch!” and recoiled from him as if a grown man had slugged me in the gut.
Before we knew about autism, I would simply discipline or punish Jonah for hitting. I would use time outs or take away privileges or something along those lines.
But those methods NEVER helped. They instantly escalated the situation.
Because “hitting” for Jonah (in most cases) is the most direct form of communication he has in his arsenal. He didn’t KNOW how to say “no,” or “he didn’t like something I just did.”
He just knew he felt “cold pricklies” instead of “warm fuzzies.” So he would hit me.
And I was punishing him for attempting to communicate with me.
You see, this morning, Jonah’s intent was not to be malicious.
He just wanted to communicate how ADAMANTLY he didn’t want to get dressed, and he didn’t associate his “words” with carrying any real weight or emotion.
They are merely constructs to him for learning, or for simple requests, like, “more water please?”
So, having him verbalize something like “I’m so frustrated right now about having to get dressed!” doesn’t carry the same meaning to him, and even if it did, would not adequately express his feelings.
So he hits to get his point across.
But Jonah can also empathize.
When he realizes that his actions are causing pain (specifically to me), he feels bad about it.
Which is what I want him to understand.
Hitting people HURTS them.
He doesn’t WANT to hurt me, so after seeing that, he will just say, “Dada, UP!”
(I’m sorry for hurting you. Can you hold me until I feel better?)
Sometimes we are able to skip the hitting altogether and he will come right up to me and say “Dada Up!!” before he even begins to escalate.
Which is ideal.
Even if he’s just anxious about something. He needs a way to express his emotions.
This morning, as he was de-escalating, he picked up a toy and made as if to throw it at me…
He dropped it, and then found a pillow and threw that at me instead.
“I get it, buddy. Thank you for throwing a pillow instead of a toy. The pillow didn’t hurt me at all… and I understand what you are feeling.”
But we still needed to get dressed.
And after he got all that out, he let me dress him just fine.
(Which is why we were late for school.)
…man.
MY method for dealing with “hitting” can be a 2-edged sword, though.
You see, Jonah trusts me.
He lets me hold him. He WANTS me to hold him.
He doesn’t trust many other people. He won’t ask them to hold him when he’s feeling anxious.
Sometimes, When he’s with other people and wants to hit them, he will rear his hand back as if to smack them…
…and then hit himself.
Over and over again.
I’ve seen it happen when I am volunteering in classes with him.
Self-harm is absolutely the LAST thing I ever want to see. I would rather have him hit ME, than hit himself.
I will gladly “take it.”
But how do you ask a teacher to just “take it,” though?
I don’t know.
So I didn’t have a good answer for Jonah’s para this morning. I told her what I do, but I’m certain it won’t have the same results.
Life is hard, sometimes.
And there’s not always easy answers.
But we do the best we can, and figure it out together.
#Ausome