I caught myself doing “that thing” again…
…Asking “what if…”
It’s after midnight, and I should be asleep, but instead I’m laying awake because…
“What if?”
Am I the only one who does this?
The boys stumbled across some old photos and videos from 2015.
Most of them were clips of Jonah around 18-months old.
Back “before…”
It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to watch these old clips without also remembering what life was like back then.
“Before ‘EVERYTHING.’”
About a year after they were taken, a behavioral specialist would first hint at the possibility that Jonah might be autistic.
Another 9 months after that, he would be officially diagnosed:
————
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
Autism Spectrum Disorder:
With developmental delays
With limited functional communication
With anxiety features
*DSM-5 severity rating of Level 3 (requires very substantial support) is assigned for Social Communication and Restricted/Repetitive Behaviors.
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Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the realities of parenthood with our preconceived notions of it.
We didn’t know the first thing about parenthood when we had Jonny.
I actually bought a “parenting” book before Jonny was born. It was worse than useless to deal with our “brand” of parenthood.
We didn’t know any of the challenges we would face with Jonny. The surgeries. The feeding challenges. The colicky sleepless nights lasting 8-12 hours straight….
What we would come to know as “Kabuki Syndrome”
And 5 years later when Jonah was born, we figured nothing could be more ‘challenging’ than all that we had already been through with Jonny. We figured we were parenting pros.
We were wrong.
“Autism” comes with its own specific challenges that we had not encountered.
In some ways, Jonah was our “easy” one, but in others, he was (and still is) our most challenging.
It’s been a tough road.
I don’t regret embarking on the journey that has brought us here.
I am proud of my boys, despite their challenges.
…I am proud of all that they have both overcome.
But, if I’m being honest, sometimes I wonder what life would be like if they didn’t have these challenges to begin with.
What would life be like for them?… for us?…
Would they even be the same “people” if they didn’t have these challenges to overcome? Would they develop the strength and endurance they have accumulated from overcoming all these hardships?
But then my mind goes in a different direction…
What if they had to endure even MORE than they currently have?
What if they didn’t make the progress they have already made?
What if something completely catastrophic happened with their health and we had MORE to deal with?
Many parents would love to “just have our problems.”
“what if?”
“What if?… What if?…”
Sure, it could be better… but it could be so much worse.
There’s no way to know what might have been.
I can’t think about it. If I dwell on changing the past, I will completely miss the amazing present.
My Ausome kiddos…
So I try not to think about what could happen.
I try not to live in the land of “what if?”
I try not to think about what might have been.
#Ausome