It’s one of those nights.
It’s zero-dark-thirty and all the worries and anxieties crowd my mind, keeping me from falling asleep.
I do the best I can to stay positive, but sometimes I play “what if…?”
Nothing good ever comes from that game. You know the game I’m talking about.
“What if?”
“What if he elopes when I’m not looking?”
“What if he is being bullied at school?”
“What if I’m holding him back from his full potential?”
“What if I should be doing something different?”
I don’t often dwell on “what if?” because worry is often just a misuse of the imagination.
But more than that, right now, my biggest concern is “What happens when I can no-longer care for Jojo?”
Will he be able to make it in his own?
Because one day, it WILL happen.
I can try to live as long and healthy as possible, but one day, Jonah will out-run me. One day, Jonah will be stronger than me. One day, I won’t be able to stop Jonah from hurting himself or someone else.
And I hope by that time, Jojo would have a measure of self-regulation, restraint, and self-sufficiency so I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
Because at what point would I need to think about other care options?
When Jojo finally outruns me in the mall and I lose him?
When he has a meltdown so violent, bones are broken?
When police try to arrest him for his “behaviors” and becoming non-compliant?
What WOULD my decision be for his care if I am not able to take care of him if he cannot take care of himself?
How will Jojo feel about my decision?
How much time do I have to make it?
WILL I ever need to make it?
Man.
I want to stay this age forever. I feel like I NEED to stay this age forever. Just to take care of my son.
I hate jogging.
But Last year I ran an entire marathon. Partly because I wanted to show myself that I can still do “hard things,” but MOSTLY because I feel like I have to be in the best shape of my life to keep up with Jojo for as long as I possibly can.
Because one day, even my best, won’t be enough.
And at that point, if Jojo hasn’t learned to be self-sufficient and if he hasn’t learned to control his emotions, we will need to make some tough decisions about his care.
And no matter what transpires, Jonah will not like it.
If, or When that day comes, I hope Jojo can forgive me for whatever decision is made.
I hope he can forgive me for not being able to care for him any longer.
I hope he will be able to one day forgive me…
…for growing old.
(Ugh. I should probably just go to bed.)