[I wrote this over the course of the last week… the events happened probably a week and a half ago or so]
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I’m SO tired of adulting.
So we’ve been dealing with this dilemma for a long time and I’ve yet to find a good way to handle it.
Let me tell you about my morning.
This morning, Jonny woke up, came downstairs, wrapped himself in a blanket and laid down on the couch.
He wasn’t quite ready to wake up yet. He was just kind of curled up in a ball.
I think we can all relate.
I certainly wasn’t ready to wake up. I had barely a sip of coffee.
This is a “sacred” parenting time of day.
Morning coffee.
You do not disturb “morning coffee.”
FIRST we drink the coffee…
THEN we do the ‘things.’
So it was painfully jarring when my quiet, contemplative, peaceful, early-morning, coffee-drinking silence was destroyed by a blood curdling shriek of…
“BUBBA STOP!!”
It was in that moment that I knew my precious “coffee-time” would be neither peaceful nor quiet.
Jonah cannot abide Jonny laying on the couch.
There is really no underlying reason except general anxiety.
It’s just one of those things.
But Jonny wakes up in “phases.” He’s not a morning person at all. He needs time to really process what is happening around him before he can react rationally.
At ANY time of day, Jonny will get extremely anxious when Jonah is unhappy.
But pair that with Jonny’s general “morning-ness” and… 😭
So, either unable to process the reason behind Jonah’s unhappiness, or simply unable to respond to it, Jonny completely “shut down.”
He covered his head, curled into the fetal position, and started crying.
Which, of course, is another thing that Jonah cannot abide.
“All done ‘Bubba is sad!’”
So, not wanting to hurt his brother, but also wanting to communicate his anxieties at his brother’s actions, Jonah decided to lay directly on top of Jonny on the couch.
Jonah is not exactly light and Jonny started crying harder.
“JONAH GET OFFFF MEEEEE!”
🤦♂️😣
I can’t just tell Jonah to get off his brother, because…
a) he wouldn’t do it, and
b) Jonah would do something WORSE to his brother.
But, what else could I do?
I ALWAYS ask Jonny to make accommodations for his brother and I feel really awful about it because Jonny needs accommodations sometimes, too. And Jojo will NEVER accommodate his brother.
Laying on the couch isn’t something I should have to ask Jonny to “stop doing,” especially if he just needs some time to “wake up.”
But Jonah was not going to move and I knew what would happen if I moved him.
Jonny was doing NOTHING wrong and I felt in this instance, he should be able to just lay on the couch for a minute in peace, at least in theory if nothing else.
So I picked Jonah up off his brother and told him, “Jonny can lay on the couch, Jojo. He’s okay.”
But Jonah’s anxiety with Jonny laying on the couch was not addressed with my actions and his sudden loss of autonomy with me picking him up sent Jonah straight into escalation.
Just like I knew it would.
Jonah ran over and hit Jonny right in the face, which, of course made Jonny cry harder and he got up and ran away to his room.
Jonah started running after him.
But I snagged Jonah, looked him dead in the face and yelled “NO! WE DON’T HIT BUBBA!”
I don’t typically raise my voice with my kids. Jonah does not respond well to it. It makes things worse and escalates his behaviors.
Jonny is so tender-hearted that he would burst into tears if I ever yelled at him.
But Jonah needs to learn to not hit his brother, anxiety or not… and Jonny needs to see and hear that it was not okay for Jonah to hit him.
It’s also become second nature for me to redirect Jonah’s aggression to myself to prevent anyone else from being harmed.
So Jonah no-longer had anxiety about Jonny on the couch… I was now his anxiety outlet.
I mentally prepared myself thinking “Okay. Let’s do this.”
Jonah started trying to bite me.
At this point, I didn’t say anything else.
This was the beginning of a meltdown. It may be minimized to a couple minutes without any other exterior stimulation.
So I just kept Jonah’s head away from me, by putting my hand on his forehead and keeping him from sinking his teeth into my arm.
Jonny half-cried, half-yelled through his bedroom door, “What did I do???”
😔
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bubba. Let me deal with your brother.”
I had to wait a while for Jonah to calm down before I finally asked him if he wanted to “let the kitties in from the garage,” (a familiar routine we do every morning, followed by breakfast).
Jonah finally acquiesced, let the cats in, and started munching on his donut breakfast while watching his tablet.
So I went up to Jonny’s room to check on him.
“Why does Jonah do that?”
It’s such a hard thing to explain to anyone… let alone my son. I don’t even understand it myself.
“Well, Jonny, Jojo is autistic. And one thing that can be a part of his autism is called ‘anxiety.’ And when Jonah has anxiety, random things can make him upset.”
“But why does Jonah have anxiety about me on the couch? I didn’t even do anything!”
“I don’t know, bud. 😔 But you can lay on the couch whenever you want. You are fine. You won’t ever be in trouble for it.”
“Okay. I just don’t want to make Jonah mad. Maybe he wants to play with one of my stuffies.”
Jonny grabbed one of his “Woody” stuffed dolls from his bed and went to take it downstairs to his brother.
😔
I went back downstairs and tried to find my coffee… sure it was cold by now.
I sat, staring off at nothing, trying to figure out what had just happened… how it could have been avoided…
…how we would get through the rest of the day… how we would get through the rest of the MORNING.
IT WASNT EVEN 7AM YET!!
I had to get the kids ready for school still and…How are we going to…
…and then I forced myself to stop thinking about it.
😣
I stood up and went and poured myself another cup of coffee.
One thing at a time.
First we drink the coffee.
THEN we do the things.
I’m SO tired of adulting.
(Note: this image of the boys is several years old. Our morning was much “less cute”)