Sometimes I like to go through my old pictures and posts.
It’s like I just need to revisit the past for days like today.
Jonah was almost a half hour late for school today.
He locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out.
I could tell it was because he knew we were headed for school. He’s developing an aversion to it.
Mama was still home and took Jonny to school and fortunately, Jonny was on time.
If Mama wasn’t still there, Jonny would have had a meltdown as well about being late.
Jonah is obviously anxious about school, and I feel terrible about it.
I feel terrible that he’s having anxiety. I feel terrible that he’s not getting the extra support he had at home for the last two years.
I feel terrible that he’s not made any real developmental progress since last summer.
I feel like I’m not doing enough…
…Like I’m NOT enough.
So when I feel like this, sometimes I go back and revisit old memories.
I find the difficult times in our journey like today…
I’m glad I have these documented.
The time when Jonah had a 3-hour meltdown in the parking lot at We Rock The Spectrum when it lasted so long, the car battery died…
Or that time when we were at the zoo and both kids were having duel meltdowns… Jonny wasn’t feeling well and we had to leave.. Jonah went ballistic… and then Jonny went ballistic about Jonah going ballistic…
I can find a dozen times where we were really struggling.
And then I go back and find the victories to see how much BETTER things got after that.
The first time Jonah said “Dada.”
When we discovered Gemiini and completely unlocked Jonah’s oral vocabulary.
Jonah and Jonny playing together.
Jonah telling us all why he is special.
This picture is of Jojo back in February of 2016. Back when we were first made aware of the possibility that Jonah might be autistic but before he was diagnosed.
The future was such an unknown.
I was in a pretty dark place.
Depression…
Anxiety…
Playing “what if” until 3am some nights.
Not knowing what the future had in store for Jojo.
Bedtime meltdowns lasting half the night.
Thrown and broken toys. Broken light fixtures. Wordless screaming for hours…
So many sleepless nights…
And then I see how far we have come.
As I write this, I am sitting in Jonah’s room. It’s 9:45 and he’s out cold.
I put him in bed and he didn’t get back up. He didn’t romp around. We didn’t have to fight about going to bed at all…
He brushed his teeth, went potty, said his bedtime prayers with us, and went to bed.
Me of 4 years ago is SO jealous of me right now.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO CELEBRATE.
I’m reminded that even in the lows, THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if we can’t see it right now.
Sure, we are having a rough time with school and anxiety right now, but things WILL get better.
We are climbing our mountain. And sometimes we take a step backward to go forward.
But through it all, I just always have to remember…
“Over every mountain, there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley.”
– Theodore Roethke
Here’s to finding that path…