Most days, I have this parenting thing down.
But Some days, I have no idea what I am doing as a parent.
Jonny is in 5th grade and has struggled in the past with reading and writing.
My sister (Auntie) is a para-educator and has been coming over to help Jonny with his studies a few times a week for the last several years.
And as a motivator, Auntie has incentivized “movie dates” with Jonny for every chapter book he finishes (and writes about).
This has been VERY motivating for Jonny and he has been so successful, Auntie has to write down all the books he has finished to keep track of how many movie dates she owes him.
It’s not always a comprehensive list and sometimes they lose track of where they are at.
So last night at a Christmas Party, Auntie was going over the list with Jonny on her phone, pairing up movies they had seen with the books he had finished.
Auntie had already made arrangements to take Jonny to a movie today, as she had determined Jonny had earned it.
“I don’t think that’s right, Auntie.” Jonny scanned the list of books and movies on Auntie’s phone.
“What do you mean?”
At the bottom of the list was a book title Jonny had finished without a movie next to it.
“You see? Right here. Do you remember reading all these books?”
Jonny nodded.
“So I still owe you a movie for this last one.”
“No. I don’t think that’s right. I think I’ve used all my movies up already…” Jonny was becoming increasingly agitated.
“I think I used that last book already on something.”
Auntie looked a bit confused. “Did we go see another movie? One I forgot to put down?”
“I don’t think so…”
“Well then? You’re fine. You’ve earned it.”
Tears started forming in Jonny’s eyes. He was getting anxious and distressed.
“I DON’T THINK THAT’S RIGHT! I’m sure I used it for something else. I don’t remember what it was but I KNOW I did! It was like ‘Cars 3’ or something!” (Cars 3 had come out years earlier)
“I don’t think I have enough books read for tomorrow! But I WANT to go!”
Jonny had started full-on crying, convinced he had not earned his reward.
Auntie, ever-wise, countered with this.
“How about this. Since it’s Christmas, can Auntie take you to a movie just for fun? As a present?”
“Okay,” Jonny sobbed. But The crying didn’t really abate.
“What’s wrong, buddy?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel ‘right’ about it.”
The crying continued.
Sometimes with kids, if you can get them to identify what it is they are feeling, it will help them to regulate their emotions. Heck… with adults too for that matter. So I stepped in.
“What are you feeling right now?” I asked, trying to empathize with him.
“I feel like I’m cheating!” Jonny was still in tears.
“But Auntie said you aren’t cheating. She said you’ve earned this movie. And what’s more, Auntie said she would STILL take you even if you haven’t earned it. Why does it feel like cheating to you?”
“I don’t know! It’s a complicated feeling!”
My eyes started to water as Jonny tried to make sense of “his conscience.”
“Auntie already said going to see this movie is a reward for a book and I don’t think that’s right. I don’t feel comfortable even seeing it as a present. It just doesn’t feel ‘right’ to me!”
This was new parenting territory for me. You always hear about “following your conscience,” but how do you reinforce that idea to a child? Especially when you don’t necessarily agree with your child?”
I guess I had to get right down into his shoes and help him to figure out what was “right” so he could DO what was right.
“Okay. So do you NOT want to see a movie tomorrow?”
“No. I DO want to see it!”
“But you don’t feel comfortable seeing it?”
“It’s just different for me to see a movie with Auntie that I haven’t earned. I don’t feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t feel right. But I DO want to see it.”
“Okay. So How would it feel RIGHT for you, buddy? What would need to happen?”
“I don’t know!” He was still sobbing.
Huh. How to solve THIS one. How to handle situations of conscience for 11-year-olds is nowhere in the “parenting manual.”
“Do you feel like you NEED to earn this movie?”
“YES!!”
“Okay, well we have a bunch of books at home. We can pick a super-short chapter book and I will let you stay up to read it as late as you want. You can get up as early as you want, too if you still need to finish. Maybe auntie can find a later show so you don’t run out of time…”
As a parent, helping my child do what he feels is the “right thing” is ALWAYS more important than simple house rules like “bed time.”
“But I want to play with my new toys…”
Fair point, kid. I mean, come on. It was Christmas DAY after all. How could I tell my kid to NOT play with his new toys…
So I came up with another idea.
“How about this. Do you remember how I let you play with your tablet in the morning the other day even though you hadn’t taken a bath yet?”
Jonny nodded.
“Do you remember how I told you to make sure you took a bath after school? How about if you can see a movie with Auntie tomorrow, as long as you agree to finish another chapter book by the end of winter break?”
Jonny thought about it for a second.
“But when we made that deal with my tablet, I knew I had to take a bath later…
…If you told me I had to take a bath before playing with tablet, and then I played with my tablet anyway…
…and instead of getting in trouble, you told me to just take a bath later… I wouldn’t feel right about it.”
“I feel like that.”
Oh man…. is it just me or is my kid raising himself?
Okay… what else can we do…
“So do you want Auntie to tell you that you need to finish another book first or you can’t go to the movie?”
“No… I DO want to go! But I don’t think I’ll have time to read another whole chapter book!”
“So you just need to feel “okay” with going to see this movie?”
“I need to pray.”
It is humbling to me as a parent when my child shows more insight and maturity than me.
“Okay, buddy. That’s a good idea. We can pray about it.”
Why hadn’t I thought of that first?? Jonny sat there, still emotional. Trying to calm his heart down. A few seconds passed…. then a minute or so.
“Do you want me to pray?” Auntie offered.
“No.” Jonny replied. “I NEED to pray. Usually, when I pray, it is alone in my room. There are a lot of people here so I’m a little distracted.”
“Okay, buddy.” (Is he really only 11?)
And then Jonny prayed.
“Dear Jesus. Please help me to feel calm and be comfortable going to the movie with Auntie tomorrow. In Jesus name, Amen.”
“Do you feel better?” Auntie asked.
“Yes.” Jonny replied. The tears had stopped flowing and he had calmed down.
I could barely tell because MY eyesight had gone all blurry.
When we got home, Jonny told me the matter was settled in his heart. He was playing with some gifts he had opened earlier that day.
But I was still curious, as to what Jonny had learned about his conscience and asked him what he thought about it… his response floored me.
“We have a POWERFUL God.”
How is this just a kid? How is this MY kid?
Most days parenting makes sense. You come to expect certain routines and you “do” the daily grind. You do your best with your kids and try to incorporate a few life lessons where you can.
But on Christmas Day, 2019, it was my kid who did all the teaching.
How did my child become so mature? Why is his heart so tender and honest? What did I do and how do I put it in a bottle for all those ‘other’ times?
Most days, I have this parenting thing down.
But Some days, I have no idea what I am doing as a parent.
(Jonny and Auntie went on their movie date today, and Jonny had an absolute blast)