“What If My Son Reads This?”
365 days ago I wrote my first blog post about my family’s journey with Autism.
Throughout this year I have done a lot of soul searching. I have also begun to ask myself, “What if my son reads these things some day?” What message am I sending to my adult son who one day delves into his Dad’s soul through my past writing?
Here’s the thing, Handsome: Daddy is on a journey, just like you. Daddy is learning as he goes, just like you. Daddy’s thoughts, emotions and opinions change and evolve as you lead him through this amazing life. If I ever thought, implied, or wrote about you being “broken” or “imperfect” in any way, I was wrong. Let me repeat that and make it perfectly clear… I was wrong. You were a curve ball in my life, to be sure. But what a perfect, awe-inspiring, greatly-needed curve ball you were.
I don’t “hate” Autism. My biggest regret is ever using that vile word. I no longer think Autism is something to “Attack.” My writings of delight at your smallest expressions of empathy, sarcasm, love and humor were not meant to imply that I thought you were incapable of such things. But your Mom and I were waiting so long for you to express them that we were literally staggered when they emerged. I have apologized to God for cursing him during my darkest moments. Now, let me apologize to you. I am sorry, Kiddo.
I will continue to write. And I will never go back and edit my work. I think it’s important to chronicle our little walk together. But each lesson you teach me, improves me… and I just wanted to thank you for that.
Love,
Daddy